We live in a world full of surprises, oddities, and sometimes, unfortunately, cruelty. Millions of news stories about murder, violence, and animal abuse. But watching your own child’s aggression is the most frightening thing. Indeed, this is a human being who is brought up independently, you put everything you can into it. And then you ask yourself, “What did I do wrong?”.
We want our children to be kind and obedient, to grow up to be “good” people. So that they live in peace and everything is thrown off. Aggression of Chad is often not included in the plans of moms and dads. But “suddenly” this problem occurs…
Child and adolescent aggression is now more common than ever.
An aggressive person if:
his “bad mood” causes damage to others, they become uncomfortable to be around
his behavior is contrary to the norms of society
Think about whether these definitions are appropriate for Your child, or ask them to answer this question for themselves and You.
About types of aggression
There are two categories of this behavior: verbal and physical. Based on the names, it is easy to understand that the verbal tool is the language, and the physical one is the fists.
But in reality, there are many varieties here. Psychologists have divided this phenomenon into several types to make it easier to define human behavior and then work with it.
The most common type. Name-calling, instigation, verbal humiliation.
Verbal-active-indirect Gossip, discussion behind the back and slander.
The simplest example: the child refuses to talk to You or to any other person. This looks like a banal harm, but you need to be more attentive to such signs.
Refusal to give explanations for their actions, to talk about a certain topic.
The most dangerous: striking, biting, pinching, pulling hair, and so on.
If a child makes traps for their victims, this case is Yours.
Desire and attempts to prevent someone from doing what they want; different actions “for evil”.
Refusal to do something.
Auto-aggression-passive or active
It is self-directed. It can also be active, causing yourself physical pain, and passive, humiliating and convincing yourself of your own insignificance.
Aggressive behavior can manifest itself in relation to relatives, friends, parents – the entire environment.
Everyone shows aggression in one way or another. Question – in what form? Here is only notice people more often active humiliating of, and else tend to ignore.
Why does this behavior appear when it is the norm, and when it is worth fighting?
Causes of child aggression:
Self-doubt and low self-esteem
Simply put, the desire to show: “Yes, I’m still here! I can do anything!”. In our time, children are more often insecure than before. They can follow the progress of their peers on TV and on the Internet, silently noting that they have done much less in their short lives. Competition, the ability to compare, the focus on “success” everywhere strongly affects self-confidence.
Lack of rest and emotional overload
Schools, teachers who do not like their students and work, peers, a huge number of clubs, and then even doing homework with nervous parents who are tired at work. It is necessary to give the child time for rest and not only active. Being alone with yourself and not doing “anything” is a natural human need.
“Herd” feeling – like everything
In school/kindergarten, all children attack one unfortunate child? Most likely, that and Your will. What if all the attacks turn on him?
Aggression in a child is especially active in 2-3 years, when he is just beginning to perceive the world as a social one. In 5-7 years, during the change of social roles, familiarity with the school. At 14-15, during a period of adolescent crisis. As a rule, this age should be experienced.
In General, this is a normal human reaction. The way of expression is another matter. And it is necessary to teach the child to Express emotions, this is the only way to avoid problems in the future.
The role of the family in the development of aggressive behavior in children
Often (in fact, in 95% of cases) the roots of this behavior are the child’s family and immediate environment.
The most native in the life of any person. She gives the child all her love and teaches her to show it. Aggressive behavior of the mother at any age, especially at an early age, has a huge impact – it violates the “basic” safety.
The closest and safest person has caused pain – what should the child do?
And if after hard work or from an unhappy family life, the mother snaps at the child, then she shows that it is possible. The child learns by responding in the same way-with screams and uncontrollable behavior.
I never hit him! Why is he so aggressive? And to me, too!
Do not forget about the types of aggressive behavior. As we remember, this is not always a physical manifestation of their feelings.
In cases where the child’s father can not cope with his own emotions, it is correct to show feelings. The child can adopt his behavior. And the father, just like the mother, is a significant adult who is responsible for feeling “basic” security in the world.
Conflict between mother and mother-in-law
Two of the most loving women in the world – mom and dad’s mom. In those families where a young couple lives with the older generation, there are often conflicts over who “loves” the child more and how to “properly” raise it. Of course, nothing good happens from this – conflicts at home have never been good for anyone.
Conflicts between parents
Family crises are as difficult as they are common. Cold family climate, bad relationships or constant shouting, quarrels, and perhaps ignoring each other is rarely good for the baby. This is a kind of “instruction” for the child – the parents themselves show how they can behave in such situations.
In families where parents work, children can be left with a nanny. She also studied at the pedagogical University, and loves children, and the fee is small, and she knows English well. It would seem that what can go wrong? But it is worth looking at the person who was hired, especially after the appearance of this person and the problems began.
Life situations and ways out of them
Situation 1. Vanya in the last six months has become quite unbearable. Even a small thing like a dried-up marker can make him really angry. He immediately starts fighting and shouting.
Offer Vanya to beat a pear or (budget option) a pillow. If there is aggression, there must be a way out. There are examples of families where when anger comes, all family members, and parents, do so. There’s a rule here: you can’t take it out on other people.
You can have your own scream bag. You can’t use it for anything other than yelling at it until all the negative comes out, then tie it up and put it back.
Situation 2. Natasha began to swear obscenities. Family friends and acquaintances are in shock: “the Ears are withering – a girl after all!”.
If Natasha has picked up bad words not at home, it means that someone says so in kindergarten or at school. This does not mean that you should immediately forbid the girl to communicate with these guys.
First, we need to talk about the fact that cultured people do not talk like this.
Suggest replacing bad words with names of clothing or flowers, for example. “What a violet you are!”- and it sounds funny, and contributes to the child’s vocabulary, and will not offend anyone.
Situation 3. Alice can sometimes lose her temper and yell at someone in the family or slam the door, and this behavior is very poorly perceived in the family.
In this case, Alice and her parents can create a list of family rules that will apply to everyone.
You can’t slam the door here
We speak calmly
When we feel that we are ready to break down, we go out and run / go around the house
Remember also to respect the girl’s personal space and allow her to Express her emotions.
Situation 4. Artem constantly yells at his brother, and when his parents force him to apologize, he refuses.
You can’t make a child apologize. Guilt is something that everyone has by nature. You can’t fake it, you just have to feel it. Teach Artyom to repent, accepting his feelings, and not forcing them to imitate.
Situation 5. Before school, you need to go through a lot of doctors, but Andrew balked – I will not go to the doctor and that’s it. When the mother forcibly tried to take him away-begins to fight and scream.
Here you need to ask Andrey personally what makes him uncomfortable. Perhaps, in the summer heat to go in a minibus – not the most pleasant pastime for him. Or maybe something scared him. Discuss together why you need to go to the doctor in General. In advance, you will lose some unpleasant moments that may occur at a doctor’s appointment. By the way, motivation in the form of a small present or something sweet – just about this case.
The main rule that all parents should know
Aggression cannot be forbidden, it can only be expressed and found a way.
Here is a simple formula: notice the emotion, understand the reason, find a way to Express it.
What should I do if the child is aggressive?
This is not a person lost forever, this is not a future thief and murderer, this is just a little man who passes from one age to another, which may be accompanied by flashes of emotion.
This is part of adapting to the adult world, a way to defend yourself. But when there is too much of it, it is a completely different thing.
Until the age of thirteen, this behavior is easier to correct. Later, this can be problematic.
Search for the reason.
To fight aggression, you need to understand what causes it. We have already discussed the reasons above.
Pay attention to yourself.