Encouragement and punishment of children
Why is it important to talk about punishments?
The question of punishing children in the family sooner or later rises before every parent. That is why we decided to approach this topic as a team, listen to everyone and draw conclusions.
There can be a huge number of opinions about encouragement and punishment.
“I grew up, and I was beaten with a belt, but everything was clear”, so you need to beat;
Complete absence of not only physical punishments, but any punishments at all;
Lots of rewards;
A combination of these options.
However, this variety of options does not make the problem any less urgent.
I remember one of my friends, a boy who at 6 years old mercilessly dragged a dog by the legs. To my remark that you can’t do this, because it hurts the puppy, the guy replied quite clearly: “I’m Gosha, who can do anything!”Well, what can I say?..
I decided to conduct a small study to find out the opinion of our psychologists and teenagers about punishment. How to punish children, what measures to take, for what and whether it is worth doing at all.
Opinion of teenagers
We asked our young author, Yana (13 years old), to give her opinion on punishments and rewards.
Unfortunately, adults are not very creative in their methods of manipulating us. Their choice “not with a stick, so with a carrot” is known to all. In this way, parents ensure that their children clean their rooms, take care of animals, help around the house, and most importantly, study well. I did a small survey of my peers and this is what I learned.
About the punishment
Punishment is often used as a method in the upbringing of children. This happens as follows: parents as a punishment first scold for a long time, grumble, yell, lecture, threaten to take away a new computer, gadget further down the list. As a punishment, they think they are raising children. Only you know, these are not ways of education. It’s just humiliating…
Methods of punishing children from their parents
– in some families, this method of parenting is practiced – parents stop talking to the teenager and respond to his words or requests.
– adults are very fond of slapping kids on the ass, the older one, give a slap on the back of the head. Using this punishment, parents do not seem to beat the child, they think that it does not hurt. But the bruises remain! Unruly parents can overdo it: pull out a clump of hair, hit a foot, or even throw a frying pan. By the way, such measures can affect the child’s health!
– frequent option of punishments. For example, for not eating enough soup, parents come up with stories about how they left all the beauty there, all the strength, and can also say now I will pour the soup down my neck. Well, or banal: I’ll get the belt, you’ll find out. And it is interesting that these words are used by parents who have never done this in their life. They are perceived, to be honest, as empty sounds.
– parents, especially for poor grades, deprive the child of communication with friends, prohibit walking, playing computer games, watching videos, do not give pocket money, etc
How were children punished in the past?
When I was asked about punishing children, I was curious about what measures were used before.
It turned out that in some countries it was considered normal to punish children for misdemeanors with a stick, wooden ruler, rod or whip. And in Russia not so long ago, the punishment was to put children on dried peas. And yet, for a misdemeanor could be kicked out of the house or put in a dark shed. Here are the options for punishments.
Punishment in schools
In Austria until the end of the twentieth century teachers beat students pointers.
In the United States, a student is forbidden to go to school for a misdemeanor, and during lessons, parents take the child to a psychotherapist.
To humiliate the teenager verbally, to insult him with all the love of the master. This “excellent” method is very actively used in our schools.
All this stuff of punishments is passed down from generation to generation. Like, ” I’ve been patient, and I’ve grown up a normal person, now you go on, be patient.”
I believe that all these options of punishment are very offensive and humiliating for the child. This way children only get fear, unwillingness to go to school, to be honest with their parents, and to speak honestly about their desires.
About the promotion
Reward is accepted for success. As incentives, parents often use money, new clothes, fulfillment of some desires, a new computer, gadget or accessory to them, a scooter, skateboard, roller skates, etc.
In General, the success of children is considered good grades, or achievements in circles, creativity, sports. Of course, it is certainly pleasant and useful.
Effective ways to encourage that children appreciate
Surprises and gifts
What other options will be more pleasant depends on the wishes and Hobbies of the child. Adults can encourage the child by giving him something important for him: new beautiful colors for those who draw, fashionable uniforms for sports, etc.it is Always nice when parents praise you, are proud of you.
When I hear my parents talk about me to their friends or colleagues, I always get the feeling that my victories are more important to them than their own. This increases my responsibility and desire to please them further.
Communication on equal terms.
When parents see how hard a child works, tries to study well, achieve high results in music, sports, drawing, ballet, learning a foreign language, etc., they begin to communicate with them on an equal basis. This is very important! You feel like a Person!
Time spent with family
At any age, this is valuable. Board games, bike tours, going to the skating rink or pool, cooking a pie all this remains in your memory forever. I’m studying at a choreography College. To make me happy, my mother buys ballet tickets about once a month.
My mother’s hugs are still very important to me. Strange as it may seem, these caresses and kisses are the very incentives without which it is impossible to feel happy!
Tips for parents from teenagers-what to do so that you do not need to be punished.
When giving tasks, specify the conditions immediately.
Don’t expect a teenager to guess your wishes, for example, to cook you dinner (he also has a lot to do), ask him to help.
Joint ” days of cleanliness”
Arrange cleaning days not only for teenagers, but also for parents. Get rid of dust and dirt in the apartment with the whole family. Once a week is better. And the rest of the time, do not pay attention to the mess in the room of a teenager. Anything can happen!
Don’t be boring, you’re not perfect either
Show everything on your example by Talking about the same cleaning: if the apartment is clean, then you also want to put things in order in your room.
Bring to an open discussion the order of washing dishes, walking dogs, cleaning cats, watering flowers. Everyone is responsible for their day and fulfills their duties.
Share your sorrows or joys with a teenager more often, it brings you closer! Don’t forget about humor and encouragement.
The opinion of a child psychologist Natalia Lomelino:
Natalia specializes in working with children of preschool and primary school age, as well as their parents. As well as the mother of 2 teenagers.
In General, I am against punishments. I’m in favor of agreements. In our society, the tendency is increasingly formed that the child is a person from birth. And this is correct.
If we talk about punishing teenagers – it’s too late to do it. This is an already formed personality. If by this time you have not learned to find a common language with the child, then you should not look for ways to punish, and pay more attention to the question of how to negotiate with him.
Of course, any parent wants obedience from the baby: I said-you did. What’s not clear? But let’s think, what do we want? Raise a soldier who follows orders? Yes, it is convenient up to a certain age. But there will be consequences in the future.
Brought up this way, accustomed to punishment, a person will always look for someone who will command them. He is familiar with this system of interaction. And the commander may be a domineering spouse, boss, bad company. Such people wait for instructions, do not tend to think and make informed decisions and say no.
So what to do if the child does not obey?
To build a clear border and not to look for ways of punishments
This is extremely important for children. It is possible not only with words, but also with actions. But the agreement does not mean condoning. For example, the baby wants to hit his mother, she removes her hand, clearly says I can not be.
Build a system of agreements and rules.
It’s never easy. After all, adults expect that the child will immediately agree to the proposed conditions. And that might not happen. When you try to find a common language with another adult, you Express an opinion, listen to the other’s opinion, show benefits, seek a compromise, take a pause to think. Also with children, it is difficult, long, but effective and useful.
Then you need to learn to comply with agreements
Any neural connections are formed 21 days (minimum). Plus a discount on age. If children violate agreements, this is most often a border check. Be ready to defend them, create a habit. Do not break down and do not resort to punishments. Remind us of your agreements and follow them yourself
Be sure to include pleasant methods of encouragement. What-decide together with your child.
What should I do if I can’t reach an agreement?
We need to understand why. The answer is always there. Here are the options:
Age crisis, and disobedience baby checks its “self”.
Revenge. The child can resist and take revenge on you, for the fact that you did not agree with him once,
Examples in the environment. Adults do not build a normal dialogue, but simply push their opinions.
There are many more options. In each case, the answer is different.
The advantages of such education are obvious: you are raising a person who can defend borders, say no, is confident and knows how to find a common language with people and will be able to resist bad company. It’s easier to raise a soldier. But you need it?
Opinion of adolescent psychologist Denis Vizer