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How to punish a teenager

The issue of punishing teenagers is a hot topic for many parents. After all, a teenager is not yet an adult, but not a child anymore. How to influence it, how to react to incorrect behavior, bad grades?

The answers to this question are usually sought from psychologists.

But it is one thing to give recommendations, and another – to live in your family, build relationships with your children, and solve the same “urgent” parental issues.
We were interested to find out how things are with punishments in the families of our coaches and what teenagers think about this topic. So we asked the daughter of our coach, Elizabeth, (she is 13 years old) to answer the question of how to properly punish teenagers. Here’s what happened.

Is it possible to punish teenagers
mother and girl

“You will stay in your room for the rest of the day! No candy for the rest of the week! You’re not going for a walk today!»

Such measures, listed above, seem to parents necessary at some points. For example, when the daughter received a deuce, or the son was torn completely new sports uniform. However, are they really necessary?

As a teenager, I can say no. I have lived for 13 years, and I do not think that the punishments affected me much, at least they were remembered or “served as a lesson”.

To be honest, I don’t really remember being punished at all…

But I’ve heard stories about parents who severely punish their children. Undoubtedly, there are times when parents are tired at work, come home, and their teacher calls them with an angry tirade… Here, probably, you want your favorite schoolboy everything that you think about him … the Punishment is right there. But stop for a moment!

It happens when a child comes to school, gets tired there, and even some failures occur. I had a conflict with the teacher or received bad grades. I’m not happy myself. You come home, and your parents swear at you, and they threaten to deprive you of the Internet, or something else.

I’ll explain it using my own example. I have a teacher at my school. Teaches well, but, in my opinion, at least for students – not always clear, so also with barbs every other time. And how to remember this subject normally? Understand the explanation at all? And then the question is why do many people have bad grades in this subject?

Or this. I come to school on Monday, I sit in physics. It happens that our teacher boils up and for 5 minutes swears at violators of discipline. After such a lesson, you come out squeezed like a lemon. Then you get twice as tired of algebra and geometry. Then English is a terrible discipline. When you finally get home you are already very tired. It no longer seems important whether you folded your school uniform, wrote a nice exercise, or did a workout. My parents think so. They begin to reprimand, and in the end they lose the phone. However, I do not remember such cases in my life, but my classmates tell me that parents often do this.

What should teenagers be punished for?
I don’t think the word “need” is appropriate here. Not necessary, in my opinion. But I will tell you how it happens in our country.

So, dear parents, listen to the teenagers: we feel bad if you feel bad. Whatever we say in a fit of anger, we love you. And conflicts, for example, with posture, can be solved by ordinary conversation. And disputes with a strong hug. So don’t punish teenagers, especially in anger, it will be worse for us for you, because you were upset, as well as for yourself.

It happens when my mother comes home tired, sees a mountain of dirty dishes. Then she may be offended, and we have to feed ourselves for a day or two, especially washing dishes. This is the whole punishment. As a result, the dishes in the sink do not stagnate for a week. Then there are, of course, again “failures in the system”. with this, it seems that the issues are resolved as follows.

So, dear parents, listen to the teenagers: we feel bad if you feel bad. Whatever we say in a fit of anger, we love you. And conflicts, for example, with posture, can be solved by ordinary conversation. And disputes with a strong hug. So don’t punish teenagers, especially in anger, it will be worse for us for you, because you were upset, as well as for yourself.

Don’t wash dishes.
It happens when my mother comes home tired, sees a mountain of dirty dishes. Then she may be offended, and we have to feed ourselves for a day or two, especially washing dishes. This is the whole punishment. As a result, the dishes in the sink do not stagnate for a week. Then there are, of course, again “failures in the system”. with this, it seems that the issues are resolved as follows.

Beautiful posture
Sometimes it happens that I’m tired at school, in circles, had a fight with my brother, and my mother comes and starts swearing at my crooked posture. Listening to this is unbearable because you are trying so hard, you are learning with all your might. And to keep your back straight forces just do not remain. And because my mother is sad, and I’m not feeling well myself…

“I want it!”or “I won’t do it!»
You know that even disputes are often a punishment. Even if we provoke them, we don’t exactly enjoy them. To ask and again be refused, to hear 10 times that you have to do something is not very happy.

Disputes can arise if you have asked your child to do something three times, for example, to remove shoes, and dirty shoes are still standing in the hallway. Or you explain that this is not possible, and he continues to ask you, for example, to buy paint at 10 PM. Why doesn’t he clean it or ask for it? In the first case, tired, or considers it not so important, in the second really paint want…. So how do we solve these issues, and many others like them?

Methods of correct punishment or how to make it so that not to punish
Every family should have rules posted in a prominent place. But first you need to explain why this is not possible, why the rules are exactly like this. Accept them as a whole family, agree between parents and children.

For example, the rules might look like this:

Shoes immediately put away in the closet
Dishes are washed by the attendant, who changes every day
Sounds stop, at least reduced to a minimum at 10 o’clock, even if one of the family members does not have to get up early tomorrow.
You can’t be rude to each other even in a quarrel.
You need to help with cooking and cleaning even if you don’t ask.
And measures should also be imposed for non-compliance with such rules, both for children and adults.

If your shoes are left in the hallway, you should wash them as a punishment.
For every rude word, go to bed ten minutes earlier.
For unwashed dishes to wash it the next day, once relieved of this duty on duty.
For a discernible melody of music after 10 o’clock, make a gift of sweets or a book of favorite qualities in the person you accidentally interrupted.
It’s better to just explain why you need to do your homework or look around on the road. To do this, you need to agree and make rules. Then everything is clear for a teenager, and there is simply nothing to swear about. After all, you know what to do if the rules are broken.

A little more about arguments with teenagers
We need to reduce, or better yet completely reset the number of disputes. Here, too, the rules help. Exceptions are disputes that are interrupted by laughter about some invention or idea. But I believe that even disputes should end in peace. That is, a normal conversation.

It is very offensive, by the way, when parents interrupt the argument of brothers or sisters, if you can not hear the screams and screams. After all, they may like such an argument, or as I call it, a discussion. Sometimes my brother and I have quite serious arguments about a theory from a book or about our future invention. It is very unpleasant if such an argument is interrupted by an angry remark: “stop arguing, then someone will cry!”. After all, you adults do not always distinguish between a peaceful argument and a violent one. A peaceful argument is about some issue, and a violent one turns personal and ends with insults.

Why do you need to encourage teenagers and why do you need praise?
The question of punishment is often discussed by parents, but the question of praise is rarely discussed. And it is very important. And if the punishment is important for the adult, because the next time the child will not bring the adult out of himself, then praise serves the mood of the child, and the adult does not cost anything. But not all praise is valuable for a teenager.

Praise for nothing, when you crossed the road, looking around, or with exaggerated insincere expressions, such as “you are a hero”; “that’s you well done!”they only cause the child’s disgust and desire to give up. So, as it is necessary to lift the mood does not serve.

So why should we praise teenagers?

Ask your child to write honestly or say that they love it, which is difficult for them. Or maybe you know it yourself. The most valuable praise will be for this.

If a child, like me, is interested in a book or a movie, or maybe he is just a needlewoman, and very often does interesting things for his favorite universe, then you know he will be very pleased if his drawing is hung on the wall, the game will be played, and the story – often reread, and this will be the best praise.

That is, praise for a teenager is not words, but actions!

Praise for what is important.
If the child is not friends with school or study, the best praise will be a small cake in honor of a successful exam, or permission to invite a friend to visit, if he was not friends with many people before, but now he gradually has friends and you want to praise him for it.

Praise for following the rules.
I already wrote about the list of family rules, so here: for fulfilling these rules during the week, buy a long-awaited book or go to the movies to see your favorite movie. We used to have a list of tasks in our family that we had to do something nice for.

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