What to do if a teenager is lying
An honest article by a teenager about the reasons why a child is lying and tips on how to behave to parents so that family relations are honest.
I’m sure everyone hates being lied to. Even if a stranger lied during a minute-long conversation. It is all the more offensive to hear a lie from a loved one, and from your own child – the most offensive. So I really understand parents who lie-it hurts and hurts. And naturally, I don’t want to experience this anymore. So why do people, especially teenagers, lie?
Reasons for lying in teenagers
To decide to lie, there must be a reason. No one will just lie like that.
Here are the possible options:
The desire to avoid punishment.
Unwillingness to discuss and explain the reasons for their actions for a long time. Then usually with the words “could not say”, “did not have time”, “forgot” they say the truth in the end. I can call it a “temporary lie.”
The fear that mom and dad will be upset, as it is also called “a lie to save”, although this deception, in my opinion, also can not be justified.
By accident: I didn’t think it was important, I didn’t know, you can say “unconscious” lies. And it does happen.
What should parents do if a teenager lies out of fear
Unfortunately, the most common reason for lying is fear of punishment.
Few teenagers willingly admit their guilt and are not afraid to bear full responsibility for the offense. And if there is an opportunity to get away with it, why not use it?
Parents, if the child has deceived You-it is very important:
Don’t shout! The most important thing is not to immediately shout, promise to punish, and so on! It will only make it worse!
Show that being honest is better. We need to make it clear that lying is “more profitable” and safer than lying! Ask yourself – are you punishing your children too much? Is it always the punishment they deserved? If the reason for lying is fear of punishment, then the child will gradually stop lying when he understands that there is no danger. I discussed punishments a lot in an article on punishing teenagers .
To make a teenager stop lying out of fear, you can do this:
Make sure of the deception – if the “guilt” has not yet been proven, then it must first be proved. You can ask directly: “it seems to Me that you are not telling the truth, is it true?”. Or find out by “indirect” signs in the conversation. It’s more complicated, and it doesn’t seem very fair to me.
Promise not to punish – if the lie is obvious and exposed, then first promise not to punish him. Just ask them to talk.
Find out the reason-discuss the situation from top to bottom, find out about the reasons for his behavior. There will probably be a problem soon. It is unlikely that a teenager will be so easy to admit and speak frankly.
Show the consequences-explain what happened because of his lies. Tell us your opinion – as it really was, and ask to correct the story so that it is true.
Tell about Your feelings – that you are offended, that he lied, that you were afraid. Just be honest. Your emotions are important, we don’t want to upset you. Tell him it’s important that he tells the truth.
Discuss the situation – here I am not talking about the reasons for lying, you have already forgiven the child :). The question is why I had to cheat. If, for example, we are talking about a hidden two, check whether the child understands everything in the last lessons. If necessary, help us understand the topic. If everything is clear, you can find out about the relationship with the teacher, or about other reasons for poor grades.
Teen cheats “for no reason»
Why does the lie continue?
So it may be, if the family had disagreements that led to great conflicts – the child hid communication with friends, grades, their Hobbies. The problem was solved. And the adult seems to “understand and forgive”, but the child is used to hiding. He used to have to defend himself with a lie, and now the need is gone, but the mind still sees the danger and tries to avoid it.
In the end, the family once again faced with misunderstanding and lies.
Here adults can put up with it and wait for the child’s habit of hiding to become unnecessary, even from the point of view of the “militant” consciousness of their child.
Or talk again, more carefully and reasonably, explain that his lies hurt others, and calmly, without aggression, correct the child every time he begins to lie.
The reason for teenagers ‘ lies that can’t be seen…
What if the reason for the deception is protection, but the child does not want to tell what he is protecting himself from? Or maybe he doesn’t know it himself? I talk to my friends a lot, and I know that this happens…
Such situations drive you into a stupor. You don’t seem to be punishing, don’t shout, try to encourage the truth, and he’s lying! But if you think hard, you can find the answer to this question. This is often the disapproval of parents.
Sometimes disapproval is worse than punishment. There is nothing worse than knowing that your actions, actions, preferences do not like mom and dad… Even if they do not say it openly.
Why is it difficult to cope with disapproval?
It is difficult for adults to correct the situation with disapproval. It is based on personal preferences and dislikes. A simple, banal example. Not particularly from life, but I’ll try to explain it in it.
It can be difficult for a mother to contain her disgust at the fact that her child adores snakes and snails. And he squeezes nasty cats instead of cute snails in front of mom to get approval. And when it goes to its hidden snails, it will have to lie that it is going to a friend or just walk. But when the truth comes out, there is a whole barrage of criticism and lamentations, saying that you are messing with slimy worms, and even deceiving. And it seems that the “lie” is not that he is playing with a snail, but that he did not say where he went. And you were afraid you’d lost it. And the reason for the deception is that the child was afraid of disapproval.
In this situation, you can understand both the parents and the child. Adults are also unpleasant because of lies, the reason for which is not visible. And the reason is the snails. That is, in disapproval. And then a habit is formed to hide and hide what parents do not like – Hobbies, friends, and so on.
What does a teenager think about when they cheat?
In his heart, he also feels guilty because of his parents ‘ frustration, their disapproval, and the fact that he cheated. Afraid of punishment. But how can you not cheat, if they will still swear, or will show how irritated they are with your passion, or just feel that you are terribly dissatisfied?
Before the truth is revealed, it will be possible to prepare himself and to prepare a speech of apology. If I lie, I’ll buy time.
Moreover, I always think: “what if the truth will not be found out?”. But all the secret becomes clear…
Tips on how to get rid of lies
Advice for teenagers:
If the reason for the lie lies in the fear of disapproval of parents, or fear of punishment, I believe that you need to get together, catch a good moment and say everything as it is, without resorting to deception. This way they will see that you trust them. And you will “get it” because of the hidden object itself, not because of a lie. Or maybe not at all. And you will be understood.
Advice for parents:
Communicate more warmly with the teenager, talk about feelings. You can play games together, walk, read, and still talk. Share your thoughts and explain everything.
Respect your interests – they may like what you don’t like
You can openly Express your dislike for something, but do not condemn the interests of the teenager.
Try not to overdo it, or do not hold such conversations immediately after quarrels, especially if the child is offended. After all, then he can deliberately, to spite you, do what you are trying to “scare” him away.
It is advisable not to frighten stories or pictures of what is not desired, choose the right moment and measure.
The most important thing in a relationship without lying.
The most important thing in a relationship built without lies is trust. Spend more time with each other, talk more often, laugh, joke. Find common interests, but have the courage to disagree. Arrange pleasant or funny surprises, do something nice not only for the holidays, but also just from the heart. Trust each other and help without asking for help. Say an “extra” compliment, do an “extra” good deed. Support in your endeavors, even in the most daring and reckless, and warn about the dangers. Exchange secrets, laugh good-naturedly.